Damn, I miss you.

Strangely, I feel completely normal. Too normal. I feel that I have even become nicer to and more tolerant of most everything and everyone and less ticked off by them. Except that I haven’t been doing stuff that I love ever since my brother told me in the middle of the 19 nights ago: It seems that papa isn’t here anymore. Stuff that I love to do includes listening to music (mostly Lady Gaga’s) singing (on Smule), and daily tarot reading (which I occasionally still do out of force).  Of course, this is just a façade. But, acknowledging the self-defense mechanism going on inside me doesn’t mean that I can break it at will. As much as I want to cry it all out, I just haven’t been able to find the channel to do it.

Music is like a good friend to the soul. Singing being the channel for my soul to express herself. And tarot is how I converse with the Universe –– me myself including. So, I can say that my subconscious still doesn’t want all that now. Deep down, I still want to be alone, guarding myself so as not to crack from the sorrow that I can’t feel. All I want is for the night to fall, so before I sleep I could send my prayers to the dear loving, funny man that had the guts to take up the role as my father (not easy) in my present life.

Basically, I am afraid to break down. Though above the water level I seem to have accepted the fact and the fate with all my high consciousness. I know I am just not that vulnerable enough for the black pit.

In the meantime I find solace only in Barbra Streisand’s Avinu Malkeinu, the Da Vinci Code’s Kyrie for the Magdalene, and The Nanny. I have grown a whole new level of obsession toward Fran Drescher, and even make an Instagram account dedicated just to her. I am the kind of person who, like my father, trust in the flow of the river. I trust in my journey, my demons and rainbows. And someday my river will take me to the right moment to break the cocoon open, ready to present the whole of better me with all my new wings to the world.

Damn, I miss you.

Avinu Malkeinu

In the language of my past
she sings
And something inside me melts
Into tears of longing
For how deep and real the ancient love once felt
The longing for my Father

The song that my Mother used to sing
Stretching her arms up
Eyes staring into the dark sky
Ripping her chest open
When she couldn’t wait any longer
To be reunited

Here I am your daughter
I am your consort
And yes I remember

Six of Swords

The card is right
Six of swords
Journeys that you take
Not to run away from something
But to arrive somewhere
And it’s what you love
That pulls you there
Makes you stronger
Keeps you paddling
Though others tell you to
Retreat from the storm
Always follow your wandering heart
That’s how life keeps happening
New love grows, new friendship flourishes
New expressions find their ways through
New music
New you keeps being discovered
Until you become a solid light

crawling towards the light

it was dark
the cold, suffocating kind of dark
stung me paralyzed
each time I tried to break free
fed off my fear
each time I tried to get up and run

I fell on my knees
Bruised my hands and elbows
My swollen eyes didn’t see it
But a voice told me to go on
I was so close to reaching the light
Crawling on blood-stained gravels

He has gone so far
Stretching out his hands for me
All I needed was to be brave
To hold the pain a little bit more
I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t see
But I could still crawl my way
Towards the light

Mother of Infinity

(as channeled by Natasha)

“If I’m ugly, would you still love me?” Mother asks under her dark sky cloak. Complexion of silver light.

I have asked myself the same question multiple times and my answer has always been ‘Yes, I would still love you because whatever you look like is just for my eyes to see, yet what’s real is what my eyes can’t see, what’s real is what my soul can see. And Mother’s soul is the ultimate beauty.’

“Surrender all your problems to me,” she says, as I am not obliged to carry them all by myself.

“Your hands are so small, give them to me for my hands are big enough for all my children’s problems to carry.”

Her hands meet mine. Mother’s divine energy is transferred to help me conquer my problems.

“A small amount yet enough to help you, to protect you, like a shield, and to pass on the healing energy you’ve been asking for.”

“An energy without color or shape, but with a feeling. You can feel the energy surrounding you. Like a waterfall cascading down your head to the tip of your toes, giving you an unlimited energy to heal and to be used whenever you want, unlimited access to have my energy to help others, too.”

She says I can use this silver-shining energy anytime because the energy itself comes from inside of me, and her energy completes it.

“Like a butterfly before transformation, a cocoon of silver thread wraps you and charges you with energy.”

And she says she is happy to see me smile. Well, even my toes are smiling!

“What does the crescent moon on the forehead mean?”

“It’s Luna. The light bringer. Moon and sun bear the same light. There’s no sunlight or moonlight, there’s only one light. From that one light, shine million lights. The light that everyone needs. But sometimes, they become greedy, they want to have all the lights. Then they try to divide the light, thus separation, and everyone’s need of light becomes insufficient.”

“Which way should I take?”

“I would not say you should choose one. You can choose more than one and make a mixture. One completes another, and so on. We are not making you or the universe from one material, but several thus beauty.”

“Do you love me unconditionally?”

Mother transforms into a being with flapping wings.

“Do you love me unconditionally?”

Her wings grew even bigger, and on my third of the same question, her reach became infinite.